Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️