How times have changed.
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I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families