My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
dads on road-trips be like
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog