jesus christ confetti not now
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school