modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.