If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too