This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks