My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Pat is about to own someone
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”