Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.