I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
<—- homeless romantic
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
2022: I can fix it