When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ