A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
🤣dope
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.