Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I’ve had relationships like this
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”