I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Namaste
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.