[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Google assistant rules
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Ah..makes sense now
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.