I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes