Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Life hack
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Someone just threatened to call me later
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.