Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow