I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
He-man has a Masters degree
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.