“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.