CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
From Facebook just now…
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich