There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
You Might Also Like
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Same post same
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts