Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*