Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
#Caturday