PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like