ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.