When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…