Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
having children is a pyramid scheme.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out