Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You Might Also Like
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!