Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The point of your 20s
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.