“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The hardest thing Vision has to do
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting