Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”