[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
*puts my mental health in rice