Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
No Google it does not
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what