Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?