6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Meowchelangelo
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY