11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
🛁
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’