Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
You Might Also Like
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Please do it!
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
never forget
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back