Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Well, this is awkward
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
no one likes gloating
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”