Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.