Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My plans: 2020:
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could