think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu