Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Whoa… oh I see lol
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Investing in beetcoin
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.