Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
a god among men
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*