Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
The first one, obviously
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
When I snag the last meatball.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35