Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Never forget.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.