Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?