My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.