I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I feel seen
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no