When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do